There's a Rain Cloud Hanging Over My HeadWednesday, October 27, 2010
I feel sort of guilty that I haven't been blogging very much lately. I told myself when I started blogging that I would never apologize if I went through a lull in my writing. But I'm the kind of person who feels the need to rationalize all of my shortcomings. To be honest, I'm just not feeling inspired to write. I'm going through an internal struggle and it has really affected my ability to be positive. The main reason that I blog is to promote positivity, so I feel guilty for writing about any of my negative thoughts. And while being positive all the time would be ideal, I think it's an unrealistic expectation that I have of myself.
I've been struggling with a depression that has haunted me ever since I found out that I have a chronic illness that will NEVER GET BETTER. Obviously I'm not depressed all the time. I just struggle with the days when I realize that my crumminess isn't going away. I have never fully explained my illness to my readers because I'm a very private person when it comes to my health. I have started writing about my disease many times, but I always end up erasing what I have written. I would love to be the kind of person who can put themselves out there completely, but I'm just not capable of that kind of honesty. I would love to be the kind of person who isn't anxious and afraid ALL THE TIME, but I've hidden behind these walls for far too long to change.
I feel uncomfortable talking about my illness because of some of my childhood issues. I have convinced myself that no one cares. I sometimes imagine that people think that I'm just craving attention. It's been difficult opening up to my boyfriend about my illness. I know that he feels frustrated when I refuse to ask for help or let him take care of me. I'm just afraid of the what-if's. What if he thinks it's ridiculous that I'm constantly ill? What if he resents my illness? What if he starts to think that all I want to attention?
I really want to get out of my depression right away, but I think it's going to take some time before I feel like myself again. I just need some time and patience.