There's a Rain Cloud Hanging Over My Head

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I feel sort of guilty that I haven't been blogging very much lately. I told myself when I started blogging that I would never apologize if I went through a lull in my writing. But I'm the kind of person who feels the need to rationalize all of my shortcomings. To be honest, I'm just not feeling inspired to write. I'm going through an internal struggle and it has really affected my ability to be positive. The main reason that I blog is to promote positivity, so I feel guilty for writing about any of my negative thoughts. And while being positive all the time would be ideal, I think it's an unrealistic expectation that I have of myself. 

I've been struggling with a depression that has haunted me ever since I found out that I have a chronic illness that will NEVER GET BETTER. Obviously I'm not depressed all the time. I just struggle with the days when I realize that my crumminess isn't going away. I have never fully explained my illness to my readers because I'm a very private person when it comes to my health. I have started writing about my disease many times, but I always end up erasing what I have written. I would love to be the kind of person who can put themselves out there completely, but I'm just not capable of that kind of honesty. I would love to be the kind of person who isn't anxious and afraid ALL THE TIME, but I've hidden behind these walls for far too long to change.

I feel uncomfortable talking about my illness because of some of my childhood issues. I have convinced myself that no one cares. I sometimes imagine that people think that I'm just craving attention. It's been difficult opening up to my boyfriend about my illness. I know that he feels frustrated when I refuse to ask for help or let him take care of me. I'm just afraid of the what-if's. What if he thinks it's ridiculous that I'm constantly ill? What if he resents my illness? What if he starts to think that all I want to attention?

I really want to get out of my depression right away, but I think it's going to take some time before I feel like myself again. I just need some time and patience. 

You Might Also Like

19 Quirky Comments

  1. I know that sometimes no matter what anyone does or says, it can't change how you feel but, I still wanted to let you know that I truly understand & feel very much how you do.

    I don't have a debilitating disease but I do have major bouts of depression. Much like you, I tend bottle everything up inside & no matter how hard I try or want to, I can't open myself up.

    I also struggle with blogging sometimes & for as much as I just want to post good & happy things, life doesn't always allow that. When I have a lot going on or I'm feeling particularly "low", I can't blog either. I can't really delve into my super "personal life" because I've done that before & it's bitten me in the ass & caused me a lot of unnecessary heartache/stress.

    I get so upset with myself sometimes because I see so many amazing girls blogging & they all seem to have everything TOGETHER & they're genuinely happy & positive & amazing & I'm ... well, I'm just NOT & I wish so desperately that I was.

    Anyway, I didn't mean to go on & on & on here but I definitely wanted you to know that I'm here & I care & if I could help or change things for you, I would <3<3<3 xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think its natural to feel depressed when things aren't going well. Health is a big issue that can totally bum anyone out. I can sort of relate to what you're going through.

    My brother was born with a congenital heart defect. All his life he was "sick". While he wanted to, he couldn't play sports because he got too tired and it wasn't good for his heart. He was often frustrated and depressed. But he eventually got past his depression, got married, and had four beautiful children with his wife.

    He died in January from congestive heart failure at the age of 31. But his last years were filled with love and happiness. I don't know if your illness is life-threatening, but it IS possible to have a somewhat normal life, just like my brother.

    I started writing my blog this year, I think in April. I was still grieving and pretty depressed. But I found that writing helped. I didn't write about my brother very often, mostly decorating or stuff I found on Etsy, things that inspired me. I would only post when I wanted to, and didn't feel bad if I missed days.

    What I'm trying to say is, its okay to feel the way you do. No one will judge you for not writing. We enjoy when you do, but we understand when you don't. Try to allow yourself to accept help from people who love you. They will know you're not just doing it for attention. When you have a sick family member, you know that they get so much attention as is that the last thing they want is for someone to give them more!

    I've only been reading your blog for a short amount of time, but I love it. You can e-mail me or stop by my blog any time you'd like.

    www.brinaland.blogspot.com or
    brinaroze (at) gmail (dot) com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey dear, I don't really know what to say except to tell you that it's okay to share about your negative thoughts and your illness. We're all human! Don't worry about readers' dislike for all that because they're not worth it if they think that way. AND, don't think you're bothering your bf when you share. He's truly worth it if he sticks by you through it all. :)*HUGS*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cuppy: Thank you so much for such a sweet message! It really made me feel better to know that I'm not alone. I'm really sorry that you have similar problems with depression. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please email me! You are such a sweetheart!

    Brina: I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, Honey. It made my heart hurt to hear that he passed away. It means so much that you shared that story with me. And it really does inspire me to enjoy my life despite my illness. Thank you so much for leaving such an inspiring comment! It made my day!

    Stephanie: Thank you so much for your comment!! You are definitely right in everything that you said!! I'm just such a worry wart! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Take all the time you need hun. It can be hard getting news like that. You are a strong woman and I know you will get through this; it just takes time like you said.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jeannette: Thanks sweetie! You are so sweet! Thanks for the words of encouragement! They definitely made me feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm glad my experience could help you feel a little better. If anything, Trevor would have wanted to inspire others, even in his death. He was a very caring, giving person and would have been completely empathetic towards your situation.

    On a bit of a happier note, I gave you an award and I hope it puts a smile on your face!

    http://brinaland.blogspot.com/2010/10/award.html

    Really love your blog, Sweetie. Hang in there!
    Sabrina :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really hope you will get better! The good thing is that you should stay positive and don't think so much you are ill. talking about it could make it better just to take it off your chess.
    my mom is very depressing all the time, she transfer that depression on me sometimes...she even been in a hospital..but i have hard times talking about that public.
    even i just told you you should talk about it, but it should be to somebody you trust. dont let people treat you like an ill person because that is what you will become. you just stay positive! take a look at the movie The Secret, it could really help!
    Stay strong!
    Lots of love from Croatia- Lora

    ReplyDelete
  9. i've been dealing with the same things recently. It is nice to hear that I'm not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nobody is positive 100% of the time! If you are, you aren't human. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such awful feelings. I've struggled through dark emotions and it isn't fun. Medication helps ease through rough times, but I wouldn't recommend it for the long run. Try to take care of yourself (and let your boyfriend take care of you....it sounds like he wants to...and it's his job!) and I hope you start to feel better in time. The more you let people help you, the better you will feel. People do care. Even strangers like me. I actually stopped by because I love visiting your blog...it's great. I wanted to pass along a blog award to you also. Check it out...
    http://coffinconfections.blogspot.com/2010/11/award.html

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey :) I've been reading your blog for a while now (it actually inspired me to start my own). I know how it feels to be lost inside your head so much that you sort of can't find your way out. Maybe reading this post will help:

    http://opaltruistic.blogspot.com/2010/11/positive-energy.html

    Take care of yourself - RAchel

    ReplyDelete
  12. While I don't know which illness it is that you have, and.. this is the first time I stumble across your blog, I felt I wanted to comment.

    I can recognize how you don't want to blog about your negative thoughts. I do the same, I refuse to blog about my negativity and depression because that's not what I want my blog to be about. Sometimes I feel the need to vent, but no, I want my blog to be fun, interesting and inspiring. When I get better I'll blog encouraging thoughts and messages, but while sometimes I feel there is no reason to live, that is not what I want to put forward.

    I think you should try to let go of your fears and let your boyfriend help you. My boyfriend finds it a bit difficult to deal with my depression, but that's because I don't really let him in. He also isn't the most understanding person. Yours seems like he would understand and he seems eager to help. You should let him in on how you're feeling and let him help you. Let others help you.

    One of my favourite quotes ever is;

    "In order to learn the most important lessons of life, one must each day surmount a fear."
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    So grab your fears by the throat and get over them :D. You'll feel great and proud in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm sorry you're not feeling too good right now :( I've had a lot of struggles with depression, so I know how you're feeling right now. I hope you start feeling better soon, and don't apologise for not blogging, it's meant to be fun, so just enjoy a break :) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  14. well on the bright side you have a really cute blog! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I truly believe that one cannot fully experience happiness without also having experienced the depths of sadness. So in these times when you are struggling, remember it is just another side of the same coin, and that coin will flip one day.

    Remember that life is about living EVERY moment with mindfulness, even those moments that are difficult. Don't fight the sadness, just sit with it and breathe. Buddhist wisdom tells us to invite our demons in and just be with them. The more we try to fight it, the stronger it becomes.

    You are an amazing force of positivity in the world, and it is ok when you need to ask for some of that positivity back to support you through a difficult time (especially from your boyfriend). If you only give and never receive, then you are not allowing others the joy of giving. Life is meant to be shared, the good and the bad.

    Wishing you moments of surrender and openess. Be gentle with you, as you would with a dear friend.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So it seems I'm not alone in passing on a blog award to you. I'm off in a minute to check out Nicole's blog too.
    Your blog is inspiring and uplifting and I'm sure you'll be able to write about your illness when the time is right for you.
    Be glad to know that your blog is an inspiration to many people. Check out your award here: Claire's Crochet Quest

    ReplyDelete
  17. I could have written this myself. (( hugs )) I recently found out I too have a incurable chronic illness and found that I'm feeling very much the same way, in real life. I'm using my blog to vent about it and I think it's helping.

    I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. (( hugs ))

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank u for such loving thoughts u hv been entering ..... very thoughtful ..... i really lv this page ....

    ReplyDelete
  19. I just stumbled upon this, just wanted to let you all know that even though I dont personally know any of you, Im sending out nothing but good energy and white light loving vibes eith useversal love to each and every one of you !!! Hope you all make it a great day =D

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so very much for your lovely comments!