Searching for Self-AcceptanceSaturday, November 27, 2010
Photo by chelsearoberson
I just watched Eat Pray Love earlier today, and it made me feel inspired to write about some of my personal thoughts. Most of you know that I'm not very good at sharing my personal thoughts and opinions. I know that sounds sort of silly considering that my blog is a place where I am the sole author, but being truly honest is something I have struggled with for many years. I started this blog about a year ago as a form of therapy for myself. I had just learned that I had a lifelong illness, and I needed a place to escape to when things in my life became too heavy to bear.
Lately, I am beginning to realize that I have changed as a person since last year. I endured some of the hardest moments in my entire life during this past year. I dealt with struggle and strife in my family. I have made some very personal decisions in regard to my religious views. All of this has altered how I think about the world at large. My perception of life is completely different. During all of these transformations in my life, I struggled to keep my blog moving in the right direction. I slacked off in my writing sometimes, and allowed my inability to write make me feel guilty. When I felt inspired to write, I would find my mind clouded with the most critical thoughts. My inner critic has been hard at work this past year.
I imagine my inner critic as a very short and chubby man who sits on the inside of my eardrum with a bullhorn in one hand and a bucket of fried chicken in the other. My inner critic loves to point out my flaws. He takes great delight in telling me that I'm not good enough. He know exactly what to say to make me feel like my life is empty and meaningless. I haven't conquered my inner critic completely. He still pops up when I'm having a low moment in life, but I have started to counter my critic with a voice of positivity and self-acceptance. I tell myself that while I'm not perfect, I'm still pretty wonderful just because there is no one else out there like me.
I decided to finally write about my illness in detail. I have kept all of my painful experiences to myself since I began this blog in fear that I would drive away those seeking positivity. I have a deep-seated fear that if I ever mention my personal problems, people will think that I'm just seeking attention and judge me because of it. I'm starting to realize that some people are going to judge me regardless of what I do or say. They will make their own assumptions about who I am. Some people aren't going to like what I have to say. There are going to be people out there who will never be able to understand what I'm all about...and that's okay.
While I'm still dedicated to being a positive force, I'm also trying to accept my grumpy side as a part of who I am.
Self-acceptance is what I'm all about right now.