Searching for Self-Acceptance

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I just watched Eat Pray Love earlier today, and it made me feel inspired to write about some of my personal thoughts.  Most of you know that I'm not very good at sharing my personal thoughts and opinions. I know that sounds sort of silly considering that my blog is a place where I am the sole author, but being truly honest is something I have struggled with for many years. I started this blog about a year ago as a form of therapy for myself. I had just learned that I had a lifelong illness, and I needed a place to escape to when things in my life became too heavy to bear. 

Lately, I am beginning to realize that I have changed as a person since last year. I endured some of the hardest moments in my entire life during this past year. I dealt with struggle and strife in my family. I have made some very personal decisions in regard to my religious views. All of this has altered how I think about the world at large. My perception of life is completely different. During all of these transformations in my life, I struggled to keep my blog moving in the right direction. I slacked off in my writing sometimes, and allowed my inability to write make me feel guilty. When I felt inspired to write, I would find my mind clouded with the most critical thoughts. My inner critic has been hard at work this past year. 

I imagine my inner critic as a very short and chubby man who sits on the inside of my eardrum with a bullhorn in one hand and a bucket of fried chicken in the other. My inner critic loves to point out my flaws. He takes great delight in telling me that I'm not good enough. He know exactly what to say to make me feel like my life is empty and meaningless. I haven't conquered my inner critic completely. He still pops up when I'm having a low moment in life, but I have started to counter my critic with a voice of positivity and self-acceptance. I tell myself that while I'm not perfect, I'm still pretty wonderful just because there is no one else out there like me. 

I decided to finally write about my illness in detail. I have kept all of my painful experiences to myself since I began this blog in fear that I would drive away those seeking positivity. I have a deep-seated fear that if I ever mention my personal problems, people will think that I'm just seeking attention and judge me because of it. I'm starting to realize that some people are going to judge me regardless of what I do or say. They will make their own assumptions about who I am. Some people aren't going to like what I have to say. There are going to be people out there who will never be able to understand what I'm all about...and that's okay. 

While I'm still dedicated to being a positive force, I'm also trying to accept my grumpy side as a part of who I am.

Self-acceptance is what I'm all about right now. 


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12 Quirky Comments

  1. Oh, wauw.
    I've been following your blog for only 2 weeks now, but I feel really sorry for you that you feel this way. But know that you are a good person, sweet, creative, a good writer, and quirky of course :) I wish you all the best, and of course you can write about your illness if you want to! It's your blog, do with it whatever you want.

  2. Emmelien: Thank you so much for your lovely comment! Your kind words really touched me!

  3. Hi Jacque! How are u? I have been following your blog for a while now and the moment I discovered ur blog I knew id follow it cos of the way you write and the person you are... Please feel free to write about anything and everything even if its about your sickness... just in case ud like to know I have this friend from tumblr who writes alot about her sickness and the way she writes and how positive she is despite it im sure u are also one of those people... :) her tumblr is Ive known her fr a year almost and she is one of the most amazing persons I've known i hope u can find more inspiration after readin her tumblr... :) And u shld never allow people to take control of ur life u are creative beautiful and amazing the way u are ... ur nt perfect but u try ur best everyday to be the best u can be and ur blogs always always make me smile! so i look forward to reading more :) :) xoxo dear... have a good weekend!

  4. yay for you! I strongly believe that someone with the same (or similar) problems as you will be blessed by your blog.

    To be honest, I have been vicariously living through you. I left that school before all my issues with self hatred and anxiety were resolved. Reading about your struggles with anxiety and knowing you are exactly where I was makes me sad. But seeing how positive and loving you are fills me with hope and joy.

    You are an amazing woman. I am glad you are comfortable with who you are. (PS) Your description of the little man is awesome. You really are an awesome writer.

  5. aww honey. ppl love ya, anyone can overcome an illness if they try hard enough. like those ppl who brake both their legs and 'can never walk again' yet go back to living normal after a couple of years. keep your head up and don't be scared to speak your mind, whatever it might be!


  7. Girl--you are a force of positivity to be reckoned with! I love you for all that you are, flaws and all. I love your writing. Keep it up! Life is not cherries all the time; sometimes you do get the pits.


  8. Jacqueline, you seem like an excellent girl. I adore your honesty and willingness to accept yourself - because hey, isn't that what life is all about?!

  9. hye follow me back.. love to make friend with everyone..thanks..

  10. Hey Jackie, you're awesome chic. I have thoroughly enjoy your blog since I found it randomly one day. Keep on writing chic-a no matter what the subject is. And good luck with your finals for this week as well. ^.^

  11. wow- i feel like i could have written this post. i feel the same way so often!!! i try to use my blog as a way of staying positive too, but sometimes you just gotta let that ranting and grumpy side out! afterall both of these emotions make!
    thanks for being so honest here. :)
    love your blog.


Thank you so very much for your lovely comments!