Everybody's ChangingSunday, June 15, 2014
One of my many quirks is the extreme fear of change. I actually loathe change at times. Although small changes like a new journal or a different workout regime are usually positive, big changes are really tough for me to process. I have detested change for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I moved around frequently during my parent's divorce and continued to move while my mom served as a traveling nurse. I have lived in numerous states and have attended more schools than I care to list. Because of all the major changes I experienced as a child & adolescent, it has been tough to accept change as an adult.
The first half of this year has been challenging. I would not say that it has been terrible or awful, but there has been a lot of change and adjustment for the past several months. Like I said before, even the mention of any major changes makes me feel nauseated. My husband is actually very sensitive to my fear of change. Luckily, I married a planning man. Zeth loves to plan and prepare for the future. It helps me when I can ease into the idea of a major change. We have already made plans for our next major move. We are moving to the Dallas Fort Worth area next year after my husband graduates with a SECOND master's degree in speech language pathology.
Zeth has been encouraging me to blog more often. He knows that writing is one of my great passions. Unfortunately, I have not made any of my passions a priority. Rather, I have internalized my anxiety and stress to the breaking point. I work full-time while Zeth works part-time as a graduate assistant. He spends the rest of his time either in clinic, doing homework, or pursuing the craft aisle for creative activities to incorporate into his lesson plans. We are busy people and usually never stop to catch our breath for very long before it is time to jump right back into the chaos.
I also manage a chronic illness. Most of my days are difficult and I struggle every morning to find the energy to get out of bed. I have an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto's and suffer from insulin resistance. My doctor has been monitoring my blood panels closely since 2009 and noticed that my pancreas is making a lot more insulin than a normal person needs. I have been testing my blood sugar 3 times a day and recording my levels. I experience hypoglycemia frequently because my body resists the insulin which allows the sugar into my bloodstream. And because my body resists the insulin, my pancreas continues to make more in order to compensate. My hypoglycemia has been such a terror to manage. Some days, I feel fine and I am able to keep my blood sugar levels elevated. Other days, I plummet and fall into emotional turmoil. We keep glucose tablets handy to keep my attacks to a minimum. My insulin resistance has cause many other problems in my body.
Recently, I have been struggling with what I thought was hearing loss. After having my hearing tested last week, I discovered that I do no have any significant hearing loss. I actually have an auditory processing disorder. My brain has trouble focusing on multiple sounds at once. I tend to feel overwhelmed and unfocused. It is actually a very common issue. I did quite a bit of research after my hearing evaluation. I have developed coping mechanisms over the years (although there is no definitive way to pin point when it started), and have subconsciously developed ways to compensate.
We are planning to switch physicians soon. The idea of such a drastic change terrifies me. I hate changing physicians mainly because they never know what to make of me. My autoimmune predisposition has caused multiple syndromes to develop over the years and my body is never "by the book" for anything. Doctors can never fully reign in my symptoms or correctly medicate me. It is a constant battle and it is exhausting to muster up the energy & will to fight for wellness.
My husband helps me to stay positive. He reminds me that I will always have to put my health first because no one else out there in the world will be able to do it for me. He tells me that the world doesn't stop because I am not feeling well. Sometimes the tough love is hard to swallow, but it helps me get out of bed when I feel hopeless. He makes me feel like a fighter.
One of my close friends suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. We stay in constant contact and encourage each other. We actually call ourselves "autoimmune buddies". She told me that she doesn't want to blog because she is afraid that the world will be repulsed by her illness. Anyone will a chronic illness can relate to the fear of being called a hypochondriac or a whiner baby. But I feel like there is a freedom in being open and honest about your illness. It's part of your life, although I constantly tell myself that it is only a portion a much larger whole. I do not feel the need to apologize for the good, the bad, or the ugly.
I have been listening to "Everybody's Changing" by Keane on repeat all week. It's been like an awakening for me. I feel that this year has been difficult for me because I am in the midst of a difficult metamorphosis in my life. Admitidely, I have resisted the changes. But I have come to realize that change is necessary and sometimes it is a wonderful thing to embrace.