A Quirky UpdateTuesday, September 30, 2014
The smell of fall is in the air. The temperatures at night and in the early morning have become chilly. Autumn is nearly upon us. I have always loved fall. For me, there is something magical about the metamorphosis that takes place during the season. Some of the changes are subtle and others are quite noticeable, but all of it is wonderful in its own way.
I am listening to my favorite film scores on Spotify right now. I am obsessed with film scores. My absolute favorite film score composer is Ennio Morricone. I am also very fond of Thomas Newman. I love to listen to music before bed and just sit with a cup of tea or bottle of water (I am trying to be a better water consumer) and think about everything.
I haven't been interested in writing for quite some time. It's difficult to explain, but I will simplify the situation and say that I have been depressed. I learned that I have Lupus. I put my dog of 12 years to sleep after fighting with all of my energy to help him recover. I also got hit by a car while crossing a street. On top of all of that, I have just been sick and tired.
About a month ago, my hair started falling out in big heaps and clumps. In the shower, I would shudder every time I washed my hair and saw the clumps falling out. I started experiencing a lot of pain, especially at night time in my arms and legs. Also, I was experiencing leg cramps, swollen calves, headaches, memory lapses, difficulty breathing at night, rashes all over my legs, and puffy fingers. After running what felt like a million tests and giving like 15 vials of blood, I found out that I have developed Lupus. I now have two autoimmune diseases. I actually laughed out loud when my doctor offered me a handicap parking decal. I guess sometimes you laugh to keep from crying.
During all of these health issues, George started getting sick. I'm not ready to write about what happened to him, but it was very difficult and I feel that I will never truly recovered from the pain that I have experienced after losing him. Some people will understand and others may not, but it is what it is. Thankfully, I have a very sweet cat who has been doing his best to cheer me up and help me to heal.
My husband has been there for me during all of this. He is very smart and very strong. So he copes with my chronic illness by being positive and by pushing me everyday to keep living and trying. He always tells me that he isn't going to baby me because I am strong in my own way and can do anything that I put my mind to. He reminds me that a person with a chronic illness should not let the illness run their life. His tough love keeps me going on a daily basis. Right now, he is in grad school in his final year of his second Master's to become a speech pathologist. We started dating during his first Master's Degree, and soon he will no longer be a student. We may not know what to do with ourselves when he doesn't have a paper or project to work on. He's a brilliant man and so very kind. I love him more every day that we are together. Sometimes, I just look over at him and my heart kind of skips because it is happy.
I am taking copious amount of vitamins right now. I am vitamin deficient thanks to my Hashimoto's. Sometimes I am amazed how much I accomplish when running on such little energy. When I wake up, I just want to sleep again. I could sleep all day and still feel tired. I have my bed set up with a small nest of pillows. My poor husband always ends up without any covers because I horde them while I am asleep.
That is what has been going on with me lately. I am trying so hard to be positive. I am trying so hard to stay motivated and interested in living. Some days, I don't even want to get up and eat something. It's actually quite ridiculous. I know some people will not understand. But others coping with their own health issues will be able to relate. The depression is often completely overwhelming. I just want to feel normal again. I am always shushing myself from expressing some of this frustration. I always tell myself to stop whining when there are people out there fighting cancer. It does help me to stay positive when I know how strong other people are that are dealing with much more than I am.
Oh, I almost forgot. I got hit by a car last week. It was not as serious as it sounds. A woman bumped into me with her car when I was crossing a parking lot. She was texting and didn't see me. She was going very slowly, and I thought that she was slowing to let me pass. I looked down to fish some tissues out of my purse and she bumped into me with her car. She was only going about 5 mph, but it caught me off guard and I ended up toppling over. I only had some bruises and mild road rash on my leg. I keep joking around while telling the story and saying that I was thankful that she didn't completely run me over. That would have been a completely different story.
I have started writing in my journal again and felt compelled to return to blogging as well. I also started writing a weekly gratitude list. I may share some of my lists on here later on.
Hope you have a wonderful week!